To start with, in the present context generosity will be defined in a more general way as the act or attitude of giving. This is because here we mean generosity not only in its materialistic or financial expression. Generosity is rather an attitude of being ready and willing to give without demanding or expecting something in return.

Imagine a simple situation where you are having a morning café in the neighbourhood and there is a person sitting alone on a nearby table with a sad face. You do not know anything about that person and you do not have any personal attraction, interest or curiosity about him. You have no personal reason whatsoever. Just because he happens to be sad and you happen to be there, you take the step to join him and try to cheer him up. Generosity might be as simple as that.

“What is in for me?”

Going back to the subject of benefits it might seem that there is a contradiction. On one hand, we defined generosity as giving without demand or expectations. On the other hand, we talk about generosity being beneficial to the one who gives. How do we reconcile those two ideas? The answer to this question relates to our psyche.

What is the necessary prerequisite for giving? First, you cannot give something which you feel that you do not have. Second, you can afford to give only that of which you feel you have enough. Moreover, what is the definition of „enough”? It is completely subjective and can be specified only from the point of view of the individual perception.

It is exactly the perception of having enough that is closely associated with one’s personal feeling of happiness, harmony and well-being. Vice versa – not having enough or the poverty mentality is the origin of stress, dissatisfaction or even depression. Perceptions and mental attitudes, however, can be subject to wilful change and it is what we earn for ourselves automatically when we manifest generosity in any kind. By being continuously generous, we reaffirm to ourselves „I have abundance and for that reason I can share with others because there will still be enough left for me”.

Some traditional spiritual teachings and new-age gurus talk about the Law of Attraction or in simple terms – “you get what you give out”. By being generous, generosity will flow back to you. Being kind to others reaps the result of others being kind to you.

However, it is not necessary that you believe in such metaphysical statements. From purely psychological point of view, the subjective feeling of abundance which you actively train by being generous will help you be more at peace with yourself, because the personal experience that we call “my life” is nothing but a subjective perception of a reality that only seems to be outwardly objective.

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At first, that question might seem unimportant. If one should consider for example the benefits of quitting smoking, at least one such benefit is self-evident – the eventual improved health status of the smoker. This is normally the case of habits perceived as negative and we usually do not need much reflection to get convinced about them.

It is not the case, however, when it comes to positive or neutral habits. Why should we bother to abandon the first and not try to cultivate them instead? Why should we take the effort to get rid of the latter instead of live on with them? Do we actually need to look for answers to those questions at all?

I believe we do. For whatever choice we make in our lives, whether conscious or unconscious, there is always an underlying motive to it. The more we act out of conscious motivation, the more focused and consistent we seem to be in our efforts to achieve our goals. Thus, having a clear motive in mind might be crucial for our determination to deal with a habit.

Above questions might of course get multiple answers and many of those answers would often be relevant only in the case of a particular habit pattern.

There seems to be, however, at least one fundamental reason why a person who strives for self-improvement should be willing to get rid of most if not all of his habits. Before we get to it, let us first consider a definition of the term “habit”.

In the present context, a habit denotes a pattern of behaviour or mental attitude which manifests automatically. While some habits seem to be repeated pattern of “actions”, on some deep level they all seem to be “reactions”. In other words, they are a repeated way of responding to situations or conditions perceived to be the same as ones we have experienced in the past.

Now, consider the wording “perceived to be the same” used above (and implying subjective quality) as opposed to “being the same” (thus denoting actual sameness). The very nature of reality and all our experience is that there can never be a moment that is exactly the same in its every aspect to a moment in the past. A habitual reaction implicitly assumes “sameness” of situation which is never there. The differences, however minor they might be, already suggest how a habitual pattern as a way of responding might be fundamentally erroneous.

Firstly, a course of action that was appropriate on previous occasion might not be appropriate at all or at least not most appropriate because of the slightly different details in the overall situation of today.

Moreover, the relationship is bi-directional and self-perpetuating – on one hand we act in the same manner because we perceive seemingly same situations and on the other hand the repeated pattern of behaviour itself seems to further convince us that situations are same indeed.

When we find ourselves for the first time in particular conditions, we are normally more alert and aware in our reaction. Over time we develop familiarity with those seemingly familiar conditions. We relax and act out automatically losing the sharpness of awareness that was present in the first encounter.

In summary, habits prevent us from experiencing situations as new, fresh and unique what they inherently are.

Even if it was not the case and situations were to be fundamentally the same, acting out of a habit would still be lacking in one particular sense – by responding in a repeated manner, we miss to be creative. We lose the chance to try different ways, different approaches and different solutions. We miss the challenging and fresh quality of our own subjective experience of reality.

To be free from habits means to allow for seeing the bigger picture in a more complete manner. For each time you are confronted with a situation and you do not have a prefabricated response, you are left with only one option – to go through it as first-time experience.

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The point is not to just be philosophical about it or entertain a mental exercise about happiness. We should be pragmatic. For it seems that more and more, individually and collectively we are doing worse and worse in this common quest that we all have. Our personal desire for happiness seems to be contradicting the desire of others. As if those are mutually exclusive and competing goals. We are in constant effort to fight our way on the road of happiness but somehow, we seem to be failing. Even those who are into positions of wealth, fame and power and can in one way or another enforce their ways upon others still do not seem to be genuinely happy.

Why is that? Why does happiness seem to be so unreachable?

It seems that our failure is not due to circumstances or people. There seems to be something fundamentally erroneous in our underlying ideas about happiness that defeats our efforts from the very start.

What is (not) happiness?

What will be outlined in the following paragraphs is not necessarily something new, something you shall hear of for the first time. However, if we start with some fundamental and. to a large degree, verifiable truths and let them properly sink in, we might come with a clue where we do a major mistake.

• Happiness is not a thing or a particular quality of any object, circumstance or person. It is an inner, psychological or mental state that we experience.

Even though most people would agree to that distinction, the fact is that somehow in our lives we seem to look for happiness in acquiring objects, attracting people and achieving circumstances as if those possess a permanent quality of happiness which can stay with us. All those external things might be stimuli to experience state of happiness but they themselves do not possess such a quality.

Why is this distinction important? As far as it is the attitude of our mind towards the external objects that is experienced as happiness and as long as the mind is constantly shifting between different moods, thoughts, fantasies etc., there is no way to be permanently happy based on external phenomena because there is no way to fixate the mind with the same attitude forever on any particular object.

No matter how much you like the taste of ice-cream for example, there is no way to make sure you will always have it available in your fridge or even if you do, your hunger for it will inevitably be exhausted. What you are left with is to go search for next object of happiness.

• Everything in our reality including ourselves is dynamically and ever changing. Our physical bodies change, our personalities change, our interests change, the things we like and dislike change and everything that we get in touch with also changes.

• If both we, who perceive of an external object and the object itself change constantly, even if there might be a point of perfect match with each other, a point of perfectly balanced interaction, there is no way that we stay at that point forever and have continuous state of happiness. Whatever we get hold of, we cannot keep.

A healthier approach

So, which is the “permanent” component of our life? What is the aspect that is really always with us throughout our existence? The only constant variable seems to be change itself. If we really understand and accept that as a truth, we can give up our futile pursuit of “something” (no matter what it is) with the false belief that it would allow us to be happy and then keep us that way forever. The only solid basis for happiness is laid out through the cultivation of an inner attitude of accepting, appreciating and enjoying the ever ongoing change in and around us.

Now, the theory is one thing, the practice something completely different and not necessarily easy. There are ways, there are paths and there are techniques to it. But even by only pondering on the theory, we might relax little by little and let go the energy of struggle for external achievements.

Loosening our individual tensions is a stepping stone to reducing the tension in our interaction with the rest of the world. If one is a believer in the idea of happiness through external circumstances and the possibility to keep them and be “happy ever after”, his life becomes a game of never-ending pursuit and disappointments.

If on the other hand one is disillusioned, there is not so much drama. You would not be fighting with your colleague at work over the promotion of one or the other – simply because you will know for sure that fundamentally such an achievement will come and go as anything else and will not fundamentally resolve anything for you.

Not only for our own sake…

The point is that whatever concerns we might have in our immediate life situation, about our personal relationships with others or even about events of global nature, the first step we should take is to build a healthy inner world and attitude. Without at least some level of inner peace and relaxation as individuals we can only bring that lacking to the external world and create further confusion and tension. So far, we have been very good in doing so.

Our inner well-being is not just a “personal matter” for it does bear influences. Therefore, by having it built on realistic and solid foundation, we are actually caring not only for ourselves but also for the rest of the world. As one great spiritual teacher says in his lectures “To reach any number, you always start with number one”. Each individual is the number one, the small but indispensable contribution to the big picture. By perfecting the small, we shall perfect the picture.

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Motivation as a drive to act works on multiple levels and having a single motive is only temporary condition. We are constantly and often automatically shifting the perspective as we switch between different activities. For instance, it is obvious that we wake up in the morning and go to work with the implicit notion of earning a living. Then, in the evening we go out and have a beer with a friend motivated by the need for a nice talk. If we could imagine a complete interruption of our conscious and subconscious motives, we would find ourselves into an inactive, static state of being. In reality, however, it almost never happens.

If we stick to above explanations, it is logical to expect that by default there would be perfect alignment between motive and act i.e. if the motive is there the act should also take place. Unfortunately, it is not always that simple. I am sure that everybody can think of a conscious goal or desired result (i.e. the motive is there) which however is not backed up by any form of act towards its achievement.

We can speculate that maybe the relationship between act and motivation is one-directional, that each act has an underlying motive but each motive does not necessary instigate an act. A more logical explanation, however, would be that the only reason not to act out a motive is that there is another and stronger motive to the opposite effect.

This goes back to the multiple levels of motivation already mentioned and the overlaying of different motives which depending on their intensity produce a net effect and determine whether to act or not. A conflict arises between the wish to reach a goal and the lack of will to act upon it. It might come disguised in any form, a typical one being to find all types of “good reasons” to delay it day after day. Although partially relieved by having an excuse, as long as the desired result remains, we keep on having the inner conflict of knowing we are not getting any closer to it.

From motivation to action

Above said, we come to a more practical question. How should we motivate ourselves enough to act upon a desired result?

One possible approach would be to try to discover and cancel motives that are counter-productive to our goal and end up with a positive “net motivation” that would give us the necessary push. This approach, however, seems not so easy. First of all, as already mentioned, there are conscious and unconscious motives, the latter being not so easily uncovered. Secondly, the potential multitude of offsetting motives makes it uncertain how many of them we shall be able to uncover.

With all those complexities, we might look for a different solution. Instead of focusing on multitudes of already existent counter-productive motives, we might direct our efforts towards developing or adopting a new motive which is intense enough to produce a positive net result, not by reducing the “minus” side but rather by increasing the “plus” side.

Now, maybe here is the right place to point out that in some cases we do not necessarily have to motivate ourselves to act. That is particularly true when the desired result is external. Thus, instead of repairing the fence by yourself, you might have somebody do it for you. Even with respect to external results, however, it is not always possible to skip the personal effort.

Motivation and personal transformation

When it comes to any form of personal transformation, there is no way out. As far as the wanted result should happen within yourself, nobody and nothing can relieve you from the burden – you either act or you never get it. It is obvious that in this case, you face a problem of strengthening your motivation. Even though a motivational mechanism works on an inner level, its trigger might come (and actually this is what happens most of the time) from the external world.

A good example might be your choice to go to the gym instead of exercising your body at home. If you have ever tried both ways you would likely agree that one of the benefits of the gym is that its overall atmosphere and the people sweating around in physical effort subconsciously act as stimuli to your own practice. On the other hand, at home it is much more difficult to stay focused as you find good excuses in all kind of minor details to surrender to your laziness.

Where the proper incentive is not right in front of your eyes, you can always look around. There are many approaches, many ways and many incentives out there that suit different types of character. Some might suggest step-by-step guidance by a mentor, others might put emphasis on the “the carrot and the stick” leaving it up to you to figure out the details.

Ultimately, it is always up to oneself to choose one that would work best for his personal situation.

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For example, the tendency to be over-passive in one’s relationships might be as ruinous as being over-possessive. Being over-emotional can often interfere with rational judgment e.g. making us blind to the fact that those whom we hold dear might be taking advantage of us. The list can go on and on.

The point, however, is not to label a certain quality as “good” or “bad” per se but rather to highlight the significance in general of all those predominant tendencies that shape what we refer to as “my character”.

Above said, we come to further considerations. If our character is such an important element of our lives, is it something that is malleable, modifiable through intentional training and effort? Or is it something we should take for granted? Is it a combination of mental tendencies and attitudes that we have somehow accumulated throughout our lives often without even being aware? Are we stuck with those accumulations and should we accept as true that any eventual change to the already existing construct of our character just happens by itself out of our circumstances and we can do nothing about it?

What is character after all?

In fact, many people seem to believe that character is a fixed thing. Thus, it makes no sense even to reflect upon it – one way or another it came into being and is already inseparable from us. Therefore, the best thing we can do is learn to live with it just as it is, accepting both the aspects we like and those we hate. This belief is evident when so often people explain their behaviour with statements such as “I am like this” or “This is what I am”.

What many people miss to understand (or choose to ignore) is that the belief itself they hold about character being a fixed construct, is already part of that same construct. In fact, it is exactly the system of beliefs that is one of the building blocks that formed our character in the first place. It is like a worker who took part himself in the construction of a building and still maintaining that the building somehow always existed by itself and shall always be there. Ultimately, each acceptance of a belief even the belief that it is impossible to change one’s character is already an empirical proof to the opposite – that change is possible. Because accepting any new belief or idea is by itself a change of our mental set-up.

From the moment we are born throughout our lives we go through all kinds of situations and are (often unnoticeably) influenced by them. Being into a situation triggers a reaction. Repeated reactions over time affect our perception of reality. Through our experiences we develop certain believes about our reality – such as how it is or how we want it to be. Once we have beliefs that are solid enough, they reinforce the repeated patterns of behaviour that we consider adequate to our perceived reality. Our behaviour and attitudes get into a kind of auto-pilot mode where we just act out of an automatic assumption that we know “what works best” in a particular situation and we just do it.

Thus, the bottom line is that character is an accumulation of tendencies and patterns. The reverse process, even if not necessarily easy, is possible – you tie a knot and then you can untie it.

Some people might not be happy with the idea of character transformation. After all, even if we dislike it, it is still an easier way to go. We can comfortably be “a victim” of the reality when it gets into confrontation with our already pre-set mental world, free from the burden of taking the responsibility for what we are and becoming what we want to be.

The ultimate message of this article is not about convincing anybody what to do or not to do but rather about us always having more than one option to choose from – to change or to remain as we are.

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